Episode #12: The Sainthood Effect
“I’m surprised you haven’t been struck by lightning by her (Krissy) for even saying her name with the word sainthood”
“When we go the pedastal route, we bury the stuff we should be looking to deal with. The pain the hurt of that relationship. They’re gone so how can I work it through with them? You can’t but you can work with someone else who can shed light on how it could unwrap itself. ”
“On the good/healthy side of sainthood, we’re longing for this thing we can’t reach anymore. This person is gone. There are no more new things. I think by putting in the sainthood effect you’re focusing on the good not the bad to get another drink from that person. ”
Is it bad to put someone on a proverbial pedestal after they die?
At funerals and memorials, amazing stories of kindness, love and generosity are told. We all hope for such remembrances.
But here’s something Jon has been kicking around as it pertains to the serious business of grief.
We may have a tendency to put some people on a pedestal without knowing that it could be our way of bypassing the act of grief- the unmet expectations; the deep regrets; and/or the very gritty stuff of a flawed human being (spoiler alert, we’re all flawed). In that sense, pedestals could be dangerous. Jon is thinking the better bet is to deal with the realness of your earthly relationship. Remember the whole person, flaws and all, and work through those feelings.
Depending on your relationship with the deceased - if it was mainly decent - we may see our loved one through the lens of ‘the sainthood effect'.’ This doesn’t mean the person was perfect but because your relationship was mostly good, it presents as a deep-held respect for your loved one coupled with a “beautiful desperation” to keep that love/relationship alive.
These are certainly not the only ways our grief can lead us when it comes to remembering those we lost but it’s worth some thought. How do you remember the people you have lost? Truthfully? Authentically? Unsure?
And could you experience your grief differently if you were to try and answer that question?
